Why anewme4life?

Have you ever felt you are someone elses ideas, thoughts, creation? Everything was flowing along just fine and then one day an incident, accident, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was hit in the head, completely by accident mind you, with a sledge hammer. I call my son-in-law "Thor" every now and then. I don't think he likes it much but puts up with my little joke. I bled a lot and was really scared. I have asthma and anxiety or panic attacks as some call them. I really thought I couldn't breath at the hospital. Fear had gripped me pretty good. So much blood and fear. I thought for sure Clarence, my husband, was going to be furious. Anger was not at the top of his thoughts. He was scared too. I could see the fear on his face, in his eyes. I could see the fear consume him as he watched over me from the doorway. The doctor was handsome, I think. The nurse was Jo, I knew her, she knew my mom. I would be ok, but...his face...the fear, and the pain. Was I in pain? I didn't really feel much, not really, why couldn't I feel. I think they gave me a shot. I wanted to go home. I had to fix supper. The doctor shook his head NO at my husband. That really scared me and then I couldn't breath. It was not my asthma, just a panic attack. I had a MRI (I think that's what they called it) done on my head and neck and I think my back too. That was hard, lying still. I got to go home that evening with stitches in my head and I had to stay awake a while and then I slept a lot. Clarence stayed with me for 2 days, he did not let me out of his site. I love him, with all my being, I love him. That time sleeping and sitting I realized something. I am a very lucky lady. Robert, my son-in-law, was just trying to help his crazy mother-in-law, but if I had been a bit more to the left or if his grip had been off or if he had been just a bit stronger....I could have died. Then I thought of something else. I have spent a very hard and somewhat sheltered life. I've been homeless, attempted suicide (not once but three times), I've drank, I gave birth the first time at age 15 with very little prenatal care. There are many times I should have died. There is a reason I am here. This happened in June of 2004. I was fat and out of shape and just not well. I found a website for a home business and checked into it. Long story shortened I started using Herbalife. I lost 11 lbs in 10 days and became a distributor. I was determined to get the weight off. In 3 months I went from a size 22 to a size 16 and now a 14. When I put in for a state tax id number it just came to me.....anewme4life. This is what I want. This is the name of my business. I have been living for this and that and doing for others and what others want and eating and eating and for what.! It is good that I want to help others and it is good to do what others want, sometimes, but we must find our self. We must learn to know and love ourselves. I was raised in the Catholic Church and in the Salvation Army. I was one of few at the Catholic school that attended mass and then went to another church for Sunday School. I loved the Salvation Army Church. It is fun and very child friendly. I was into the whole Catholic scene for a while, i wanted to be a nun when I was 4, that lasted until I was 7 or 8. I saw a movie with Bing Crosby in it, the Mother Superior died. She died... but Mother Superior is Gods favorite, or so I thought. So that was it for me, no longer did I want to be a nun. Everything I have ever wanted to be has not happened. In my being here I have not accomplished what I am here for, atleast I don't think I have. I have battled my weight since I was 15 (that fist child does it to many of us women). I want to end the battle, I want to create a new me. No more overeating. No more binging on food when I am angry or upset. No more eating my feelings. I once wanted to be an artist. I craft a lot. I have so many unfinished sewing projects and needlepoint projects. I painted once, a long time ago. I write poetry. Sometimes I will write everyday or everyweek or every month. Sometimes years will go by and I haven't written a thing. I want to write poetry again. And I want to be published. I have more energy now with the weight off. I could still stand to lose more...and I will. I want to find my Spiritual self. I believe there is a God or a Jesus or a Higher Being. I want to find what it is I truly believe. I believe in Kharma, it's been proven to me many times. I believe in Angels, I have one. She is my child, she died right after birth. I've caught a glimpse of her before, I was so startled. I was in a grocery store and there was a small child peeking around an aisle and she giggled. I could see right through her. I went to see her better, this bright child, and when I looked down the aisle there was noone there. That night I dreamt a child was drowning and I was on a dock and I was reaching in to pull her out but I could not get her. She told me it was ok. I named her Marie Katherine after both of my grandmothers, she was buried without me even being there. I was 17 and frightened and confused. I feel her with me sometimes. When I'm sad or when I'm worried or when I'm lost. I did not feel her that day, when I was hit in the head. I wonder why, why did she not come to comfort me? Maybe it's because she is meant to be there for me unexpected and that day I would have expected her. Or maybe she was with my grandmothers sending me energy to be healed. I never did lose consciousness. I want to know and understand why I am and who I am. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a gorgeous granddaughter. I love them so. I want to be able to show them a new me in a way they will be proud of and that will be of benefit to them too. I am happy with my life but I want more....problem is I am not sure more of what. And it may be I want less. I am disorganized and messy. My house is cluttered with magazines and articles and knick-knacks and whatnots. Clarence is so patient and understanding with me. When we clean out closets and go through things I actually go through panic attacks. I just can't seem to willingly throw things away or if I do I have to do it quickly and keep busy so as not to think about it. I guess a new me would be with less weight, more creative, more organized, finish tasks I start and with fewer belongings and no panic attacks. I'm on the right track. Ive learned to eat healthier with herbalife and I am starting this Blog thing, creative. I joined a few Networks on Ryze.com and have really enjoyed it and been able to use some of the readings to search my spiritual side. I think Affirmations are a good tool and have started using them. I may be able to promote my Herbalife Products there or here. Maybe I'll post a poem next time. Does posting on the web count for being published?